The Oh-So Casual Landshark.

Feeln' Philoslothical.



I’m not going to lie, this was probably the greatest invention of all time.

It’s basically perfect for any situation, whether your in an awkward moment and want to get out unnoticed, or you simply want to freak out some strangers, it will always be the answer.

Want proof? 2+2. What does it equal? Landshark.

What is a rare species of animal? Landshark.

What is the answer to the universe being created? Landshark.

To achieve the landshark you must perform three simple steps:

1) Bend over.

2) Place you’re hand on your back sticking up (this re-creates the fin).uatiouations

3) Run wherever the hell you want making loud disruptive noises.

For extra affect, you could even add in “the face you can’t say no too.” In other words, you let you’re inner double chin-edness come out and pull the most attractive face you can muster up. Although, I recommend…

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My Life is Disney Movie.

So this is basically the plot for pretty much every single disney movie known in the history of ever.

– girl is an ugly nerd with glasses and tacky clothes.

– girl goes to school and gets picked on by hot clique.

– girls secretly crushes on yummy boy with yummy stomach and face.

– girl complains how she’ll never get him.

– yummy boy accidentally walk into her and her backpack explodes everywhere.

– eyes meet in dramatic slow-motion and more tacky music plays in background.

– girl fangirls for next 40 or so minutes.

– prom night approaches and he decides “hey, i’ll ask girl.”

– girl fangirls some more after montage scene of her getting ready to more tacky music.

– girl is about to leave house in her new makeup and thousand dollar dress that magically appeared out of no where when her freind says, “wait! I have a great idea!”

– genius friend takes of the girls glasses in slowmotion with Kelly Clarkson blasting in the background.

– lo and behold, girl is actually super hot without glasses and is Cara Delevigne reincarnated.

– girl walks down stairs with more Kelly Clarkson playing, as guy awaits at the foot of the stairs like, “wait what. when did that happen.”

– guy and girl go to prom and dance all night.

– guy and girl eventually make out. well, disney style. so they peck eachothers cheeks.

– girl finally happy and they date forever and ever and have little disney babies, as shown below.


I mean c’mon, look at that tagline. “The rest of your life begins tonight.”

And honestly, everyone at some point in their teenage-hood sprouts from a seedling/weed to a beautiful flower.

But of course somewhere along the way, a certain someone in the sky decided, “hey, I have a great idea! I’ll subject some poor, sad loser to a tragic life of cats, food and Tumblr. Ha! I’m hilarious!” And unfortunately that sad, tragic loser is me.

But I’ve figured it out now. My life is Disney Movie! Just, you know, without the major transformation from fugly man child to super hot Victoria Secret model.

– I totally rock my super sexy glasses and bargain basket clothes.

– I go to school in my potato sack of a uniform only to get mocked by the “cool people.”

– and of course I have a crush on the ridiculously delcious to look at guy who’s abs and face practically glows with yumminess.

– I complain how he’ll never love me like I do and how I’m doomed to die a tragic life of loneliness.

– accidentally walk into delicious boy and drop my laptop oh so gracefully on his foot.

– our eyes meet in slowmotion and at the slightest glimpse of my chins (yes, chinS) he recoils in disgust and runs as fast as he can to try and escape breathing the same air as the man child that is me.

– I fangirl for the next 4 years or so.

– prom night approaches and he decides “hey, i’ll ask that super hot chick.”

– that super hot chick isn’t me.

– super hot chick and delicious boy date forever and ever and have more little hot babies.

– I cry for the rest of my life and resort to hibernating in my castle of blankets, pillows and food as I pathetically snort/wheeze/laugh at cat GIFs.

– start a failing business as a guinea pig breeder, and trainer.

– die sad and alone because even my guinea pigs ran away.

So there you go. My tragic life summed up in less than 200 words.


How to Avoid “The Face.”

So recently I was at the beach I realised a serious issue, the lack of guys -whether they be about as attractive as a fat man eating icecream in budgie smugglers and subtly farting or someone who made me want to rip off my clothes and lunge at them-  looking at me without even trying to hide “the face.”

For those of you who are lucky enough to never have received this dreaded face, let me explain it for you. It’s that look on someones faces of utter disgust. It’s that look you can’t get off your face until you look away from that horrific inaminate object/person. It’s that look were you can’t help but have a terrified look on your face and wonder how it’s even possible to look so remotely hideous. In other words, it’s what you pull when you see something/someone who’s face you know will constantly haunt your dreams.

To be on the receiving end of this face is the equivalent of being punched in the boob by the hottest guy you can conjure in your mind on national television whilst wearing a diaper.

So as you can imagine, after receiving the “face” from anyone I walked past, by the end of the week I was pretty much a walking wreck and pushed to the brink of refusing to leave the apartment without my ice-cream tubs. Empasis on the plural there.

After many days of awkward turtling and casually attempting to stare at guys without being noticed (unsuccessfully of course) I devised a plan to get that oh so desired glance at those glorious six packs without them noticing you and running away screaming.

Step 1. Wear a morph suit. If they can’t se your face, they can’t give you the face and vomit uncontrollably.

Step 2. Hide. This is the easiest to do, simply find a solid tree or bush and watch. Let your inner stalker come out!

Step 3. The casual glance and follow. If your bored and have some time to kill, this one is great! As the name suggests, just follow them and when their distracted by some long haired, blue eyed chick with massive boobs sneak a glance at  their oh so delicious looks.

Step 4. Join the Tans and Vans Club. The T’s and V’s is a club thats strictly for those Tumblr boys and girls, who leave a trail of depression and lack of self esteem wherever they go. To do so, you must be;

a) tan.

b) a stick/muscle god.

c) wear a lack of clothes.

d) own at least 20 pairs of vans.

But, if you are all of the above, you definitely don’t need these tips.

So there you have it, how to both avoid the “face” and simultaneously check out hot people!

The Origin of the Double Chin.

Many loathe it. Not so many love it. Many have witnessed it. Many are yet to learn about it.

The Double Chin.

For those of you poor, not-yet-lived individuals who for some reason, have never heard of or seen a double chin, let me enlighten you. Double Chins are the rolls of fat underneath your chin – most noticeable on the not so skinny.

Much to my disappointment I am not equipped with a double chin which really sucks. I find them incredibly awesome. It’s so unfair. Nearly all my friends have that glorious layer of fat under their chin, so why can’t I?

Personally I think that if people can lose weight to (I can’t understand why) get rid of their second chin, then there should be some sort of exercise you can do to “grow” a double chin. Maybe I’ll invent it. That would be pretty cool. I could tell everyone, “Yeah guys, I invented an exercise and diet to increase the possibility of increasing the fat under your chin to give you a double chin. That’s right, form a line guys.” No doubt everyone would worship me and I’d get a holiday created in my name so everyone gets a day off work.

What’s that I hear you ask? “Who had the first ever double chin?” Now, that’s an interesting question. Despite many months of dedicating my time to researching this, I could never find anything. But. After watching old movies (you know, black and white ones.) and listening to records and books, I have finally come to the conclusion of whom was the proud owner of the first double chin. Angelina Jolie. However she is not to be confused with the mega celebrity of today – she is a completely different person from a different generation.

Angelina was a British housewife in the 1500’s. When she was a child she was a perfectly normal weight and was very popular amongst her peers. When she turned 15 she met her husband and they became married a short 3 weeks after meeting each other. Their love story was the original Romeo and Juliet – her husbands father was incredibly rich and believed all giraffes should be used as modes of transport instead of horses but her own family were rather poor and were part of the “Save the Giraffes” foundation and believed it was cruelty to use them and replace horses.

The two lovebirds had never quarrelled once in their short time together – although the same could not be said for their parents. Upon meeting each other they had an felt an instant hatred and did not approve of there childs choice. For a while they ignored their parents constant “back chatting” towards the other but it soon became so bad that they had to be something. So that became the first intervention. They sat down their parents and tried to talk some sense into them but to no avail. It became obvious that nothing could change their minds.

One day, young Angelina walked in to see her husband making out with her best friend. She was furious and ignored her now ex husbands desperate attempts at explaining what was going on. With tears blinding her vision she stumbled to her parents hut and collapsed in her Mothers arms. This also led to he first ever binge session. Angelina was stricken with grief and tried to eat away her troubles. Months followed and she was still desperately trying to eat enough to fill her whole in her heart. It was futile though, the only thing the food filled was the gap between her neck and chin. Over the years that area became so large it began to roll onto itself and jiggled whenever Angelina moved.

And that was how the first double chin came to the world.

Que the Emotional Music.

Okay, so lately for unexplained reasons I have been completely and utterly and emotional wreck.

I see two couples being all happy? Break down and rock back and forth on the floor at the thought of how forever alone I am.

When I have to play a “D” chord on the piano. For some reason, that chord always makes my heart swell and throat constrict. Every. Single. Time. It’s actually hilarious to see my teachers response when my eyes brim with tears.

Eating the last Mint Slice. I love them so much. It’s honestly not normal and the the thought of eating the last one makes my heart break into two.

Alex Turner. Enough said.

That moment in High School Musical 3 when Gabriella and Troy break up. I don’t care if I’m in high school, I’m allowed to get emotional about these things.

And finally – possibly the worst one – emotional songs. I mean, sure, some songs are meant to make you feel a bit sad but this just takes it to a new level. I literally have a full on sob sesh when I even hear these songs; and half of them don’t even make sense. And that is why it’s a bad idea to listen to my iPod on the bus.

The worst bit about is though, the things that make me emotional are all completely irrational. Whether it’s an incredibly hot guy or a few guitar strums, they are all utterly ridiculous?

It’s so unfair though, in all the movies the girl always looks hot and the cute guy they’re crushing on runs over in slow motion and consoles her. But of course that doesn’t happen in reality. In the sad thing that it is my life, I look like a drowned rat that has just fallen out of a sewer after being chased by a mob of drunk racoons throwing pies at me.

In other words, I suppose you could say absolutely hideous. Needless to say, no one chases after me and we end up getting married.

Oh well, I can dream. Who knows? Maybe one day my absurd emotional swings could come in handy.

The Oh-So Thrilling Day of a Guinea Pig.

Okay, so the other day I ran out of “New Girl” re-runs so I did the most exciting and fascinating thing I have and ever will do in my life – stalked my guinea pigs. For about 10 minutes I just sat there and watched them like the loner I am. And do you know what they did? Nothing. If you don’t count running in circles, pooping, and eating very, very loudly.

And just like any sane person, I decided to turn their exciting life into an Action Movie.

“Tomorrow when Assassin Guinea Pigs tried to steal the last Tomato and the Two Gangsta Guinea Pigs did nothing but Poop.”

Bob: Yo’ Freeeed. Wheres yo’ guinea pig butt to yo’?

Fred: Yo’ Bob, I’m ova’ heeeaaaare. Wassup broo?

Bob: Yo’ so I was like foshizzling the otha’ day and some dude walked up to me and was all like ,”yo’ I heard yo’ stole my tomato bro. Like Double U Tee Eff?” and I was all like, ” yo’, bro, I didn’t take yo’ foshizzling tomato.” and then he got all up in ma grill and was like, “Yo’ bro. I know you took my tomato bro. Not cool. So like yeah, give it back under the bridge by tomorrow or me and my assassin guinea pigs will get yo’ guinea pig ass.”

Fred: Did yo’ go. Foshizzle.

Bob: Nah bro. I was to busy being gangsta n picking’ up all da chix yo’.

Fred: Amen Brudda. If I was yo’ and all yo’ gangstaness I would do da same yo’

*A loud bang went off above the guinea pigs cage*

Fred: Yo’ brudda. What was that? Foshizzlin Nizzlin.

Bob: Bro, chill out yo’ it was probably just a potato.

*Two guinea pigs walk in (obviously assassins)*

Bob: Yo’, whatcha doin in ma crib yo’?

Assassin Guinea Pig called George: Silence fo’ (fool), give us the last toe-may-too yo’.

Bob: Why would I do that yo’?

Assassin Guinea Pig called Jeffrey: Cus the boss man sent us daaawg.

Bob: Yo’ what am I, a hamburger? Get all outta ma grill yo’

AGPCG: Bro, yo’ asked fo dis then yo’.

*Both assassin guinea pigs fly through the air on sloths, pick up the tomato and fly into the sunset high giving and ending with a handshake*

Fred: Fo’ Shix bro. That was intense yo’!

Bob: Amen brudda. I’m gonna go poop now. And eat more food. Then poop again.

Fred: Yeah daawg, sounds heckaz. Imma go run in circles to Nicole Scherzingers new song.


And that my friends, is the “tots heckaz” life of a guinea pig who get attacked by other assassin guinea pigs – or in others words, the daily life of my guinea pigs.

How to be a One Hit Wonder.

We all know how the fangirling works. 

Everyone falls in love with some hot guy/s and obsesses over them for a few weeks, and then someone else will win a talent show and THEY will be the next craze. But a few months later everyone will be to starstruck by some other bieber haired, british accented, abs-ified person. 

So I decided to write a list on how to become a one hit wonder!

Step 1) Get a Bieber cut. This is crucial. Without it your “boy band” look will be a failure and do you know how many people will fangirl? None. Moral of the story; get a Bieber hairstyle even if it may result in a lazy eye.

Step 2) Fill your wardrobe with tight pants and tight pants only. Throw out any shirts you own and burn them. After observing a group of girls obsessed with boy bands, I noticed that this could be turned into a valuable maths lesson. Tight pants+no shirt=thousands of girls staring at for poster that is now hung up on their wall.

Step 3) Abs. Enough said. Wihtout these step 2 will be unsuccessful. If you own a killer 6 pack the ladies will be drooling at just the sight of your stomach.  

Step 4) Write a song about how amazing girls are and how pretty they are, these are commonly the most successful. 

Step 5) Make a music video with lots of close ups of your new abs, and your face. For a video to be a success (a.k.a have everyone frozen still as they get lost in your incredibly edited blue eyes and faint with your attractive “boyishness.”) make sure yourself look wild, care free but also show a gentle side of yourself. To do do, switch from a party scene where you are being ‘lyk tots h3ckaz’ and then switch to a beach scene in the sunset and your holding a girls hand.

Step 6) Come up with a ridiculous statement that will make all your fans laugh. A good example of this is saying to everyone at your first concert, “My name is __________ and I am terrified of chinchillas.” For some reason, girls love this and will be screaming your name from every possible direction.

And that, my friends, is how you become a one hit wonder.